Humor

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." - Steven Wright ...

"When faking sick to leave work early, I find it necessary to make a sick face until I’m at least a few miles from the office, just in case someone is following me and watching me." ...

Today: tripped over the rug, cut by a knife, hand slammed in the door, whacked in the face by the cabinet door. I’m pretty sure my home had a meeting last night and decided I’ve gotta go." ...

"I’m 33 and I still hop on the back of the shopping cart and ride it downhill whenever I get the chance." ...

"Don’t lie; when you walk up to a “Ten Items Or Less” aisle, you count the items in every shopper’s cart to be sure they’re following the rules." ...

"I would be far thinner if I didn’t have tastebuds." ...

"Will I ever reach a point in my life when I won’t need to recite the whole alphabet in my head while alphabetizing?" ...

"Someone should inform the History Channel that Pawn Stars, Swamp People, Ice Road Truckers and UFO Hunters are NOT history." ...

"I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks." ...

"Have you ever looked at a person and thought, 'Yeah, you have someone locked in your basement.' " ...